WHEN BENNY BOUGHT US LUNCH

WHEN BENNY BOUGHT US LUNCH
by J.K.R. Tolling

​Let us tell you a little story. Once, in a far-away land, a miscreant named Benny decided to be kind enough to buy his pals lunch for being oh-so supportive of all of his….habits.
 
He ventured to the local hipsterses farmerses market to purchase a succulent feast for us to enjoy. Needless to say, we were trembling with anticipation. Would he bring us something exotic and new? Would he bring us a time-tested favorite? Would he bring something that would kill us?
 
Turns out the latter was true. 

He brought this:

My GOD.
 
First off, before we even get into a “review” of the “food” “substance” that was inside, let’s go over the packaging a bit, shall we?
 
I mean… just look at this shit.

​We DARE you to tell us what the most important thing on this package is. Also, is the brand name “Lunchables”? It IS in the middle of this junk drawer of a design…. so…I guess that’s the name of it. 

​But this lunch morsel could just as easily be called the KABOB ULATOR…with “FREE” videos and games inside!

​We honestly weren’t sure if Benny brought us lunch or a new game system. We couldn’t wait to find out!

Or maybe the name of this farce is “PIZZA WITH PEPPERONI”. That makes the most sense, honestly. It’s hard not to look at that title when staring into the package design abyss. And bonus! It’s made with pork, chicken and beef! ………we're sure.

​I guess the last possibility is that this could be named the disclosure statement on the bottom right. It’s almost as important looking as the rest of the items, and does a great job at telling us what’s really in this… like “Mozzarella Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product”

​All of these are reasonable answers to the question of “What the fuck is THIS?”,
​but we feel that KABOB ULATOR does the best job of describing it. 

Also, we’re disappointed in the overuse of negative space! I mean… CRIPES! LOOK at all this wasted room!!!!!!

We’re SURE there is a TON of information they could have thrown on this package in addition to what's already there! How is a shopper supposed to look at this and not know everything that is going on with it?
 
Seriously, it wouldn’t have taken much to fill them holes. 

​We were actually going to complain about all the space wasted with the windows on the packaging, but we figured it IS really important to be able to see EXACTLY what you’re buying.

LOOK! FOOD INSIDE!
….we guess.

Well…anyway, the packaging didn’t hold up to scrutiny, but we were SURE what laid inside the Kabob Ulator did!!

Oh...

Oh God...

​Do… do we… like….cook this?

​Is it like a… a build your own pizza thing?

​Dear god… forgive us.

​Is…is this how it’s supposed to look? 

Here, let’s try to at least make it LOOK appetizing…

Oh shit…

Then we died.