Please note: Everything in this story is true. Not one single thing has been made up.
In the land of Gloomdore, winter lasts an unbearable 10 and half months. The weather is brutal, misery-laden, and will kill ya as soon as look at ya! But despite the fact that going out in that kind of weather is akin to fighting an army in Siberia, it does NOT, repeat…does NOT prevent us from going out to get a slice. This has been written. This has been said. This is gospel.
And though a trip to pizza risks driving on roads which are paved with suicide, pizza must be had. In the land of Gloomdore, it is all the natives have. It is all that gives them life.
And yet, though this pilgrimage is guaranteed to extend one’s life another week, some Gloomdorians just have had enough…and would rather perish.
Take Bill, for example....
Bill loves pizza. Bill NEEDS pizza. Bill has fought for pizza. But on this day, Bill nearly gave in to the Great Winter Assault of Gloomdore, Part II, o’ 18 (the official name of the storm.)
And who can blame him? The very idea of heading out in a storm that would make any native Gloomdorian cower in fear is unfathomable! The ride was long and quiet. Everyone in the car was second guessing themselves, doubting each other, and taking a deep hard look at the decisions that have led up to this moment.
Even when heading into East Stabbingshire for that rare, fragile, temporary warmth, the city itself seemed to be mocking us.
But we would not be deterred! Hellll no! It only made us hungrier.
Well…most of us.
Maybe part of what was bothering Bill was the idea of actually entering the realm of East Stabbingshire. It’s not exactly a place you simply mosey into with a chipper glint of hope on your face. Who KNOWS what you’ll have to deal with when you get there!!!! Muggers, rats, despair, psycho’s…maybe even ugly people!
It’s a place where the promise of a “Way out” mocks you going up and down the street while spraying dirt-snow on you.
But there IS no way out. It’s nothing less than a constant, never-ending battle for survival. As seen here in exhibit A, the fight for survival began as soon as Matt and Evan stepped out of the car.
Now, some find the screaming horns and random middle-finger flailings of East Stabbington to be charming…inspiring even! But some, like Bill that day, find it a bit much. Perhaps intimidating. Here, Bill was locking his hands behind his head, mistaking Evan for a mugger or an angry police officer. Clearly an honest mistake in a life-threatening blizzard.
After a good chuckle, we flopped through the sludge and snow and piles of failure while caroling “I Love L.A.” The Randy Newman classic is much like singing jingle bells in December for normal people….we just sing it all the time in Gloomdore.
Once inside the East Stabbingshire Pizzeria, Evan tried to cheer up Bill with questions like “Wasn’t that good, buddy?” and “Totally worth risking death, right?” Bill mostly responded with stares.
Bill couldn’t deny that the pizza was magnificent, but it was clear the Gloomdorian winter storm was getting to him.
It was spreading like a virus. Even Matt, who’s usually all in for anything requiring him to go out with people, was a victim of the seeping depression.
Eventually it got to all of us. Evan, who had stayed strong to the bitter end, was now reaching the depths of despair. And as he realized this, he stormed out of the pizzeria…looking for answers elsewhere.
And after miles of searching, he found it…
Some…store…what had snow on it. A superior store what had snow on it. It was like a beacon we all flocked to.
We knew that this shelter would rescue us from the chilling sadness outside. Inside was heat, delicious coffee, and pure joy. It just had to be.
See? It’s great. Soooooooo fun! Right Bill?
What a fucking waste of a day.